Chicken is truly an inferior meat. It is tasteless, it’s the wrong color, and it comes from a bird, which we all know are waddling, clucking cesspools of salmonella and avian stupidity. BB guns were invented primarily with the purpose to shoot down poultry. Or so I’ve heard.
While I’m going to insist that the statement ‘chicken should be discredited as meat, it’s actually less meat-like than most vegetable’ is actually a fact, most would say that, no, chicken is a meat and you have your own silly little opinions. Regardless of whether my opinion will change well-known scientific fact or not, it’s an opinion based off of years of careful study and consumption. I promise, it’s not a snap decision made by adaptive unconsciousness after two painful seconds of having to chew tasteless chicken. There’s no bias to my research. (Obviously.)
My case against chicken is built actually on chicken’s large and much more annoying cousin, the Turkey. After twenty years of eating turkey treated by the best of cooks, I’ve concluded that it is a worthless, worthless feathered bag of dry dark and light meat. It’s absolutely terrible, and I refuse to eat it any more. That’s not to say the stuffing, gravy, green beans, pie and all other accoutrement will be rejected—no, no those are truly delicious. But turkey, dear god do I wish the North American Continent had been populated with nice succulent lamb or baby cows. Imagine how much better Thanksgiving would be if a nice little veal sat stuffed on your dinner table.
Recipe on the following page.